I started writing this post after Ruth at Dorkymum did her own shovel list – a roll call of the people she’d love to hit in the face with a shovel.
Now I’m pretty sure Ruth’s not the violent type.
The idea came from the Marian Keyes book The Mystery of Mercy Close, in which the main character has her own shovel list.
We all like a good rant about the people who really p*ss us off.
What’s been difficult for me was narrowing it down to 5.
But finally, here’s my top 5 of the people I’d like to give a metal facelift.
1. Road ragers
The arseholes who on a daily basis play the “I’m first” game on the road, tailgating anyone in front, refusing to let cars overtake, beeping like they’re friggin’ possessed if you slow down to let someone out of a side road.
After almost a decade of commuting to work 2 hours a day on a major motorway, we moved to Jersey for 3 years – a small island where the maximum speed is 40mph and everyone takes their turn. It was such a relief.
Why bother teaching kids not to push their way through life, to be polite, to be kind and help others, if we’re going to slide behind the wheel and mow down the first old dear tootling along in her Ford Fiesta?
*takes fantasy shovel to their face and their car*
2. The “I’m always right” brigade
You say you think a certain song is the best one ever made by your favourite band, and they say: “No it’s not.”
You say you like a certain film better than any other, and they say: “No you don’t”.
Like they’re stating a fact.
Because these bastards know everything – even other people’s tastes and preferences.
What you’re talking about is a matter of opinion. There is no right or wrong.
But these types either flatly tell you that you’re wrong – or they look at you, shaking their head and smiling in a condescending manner.
Who died and made them God?
*wipes smug all-knowing smile off their face with a good clang of the shovel*
3. Fiona Phillips
She has the warmth and sincerity of a wet sponge. Her nasal whining gets on my nerves. She’s currently on a TV advert for a very worthwhile charity, and I battle daily with my empathy for the African children she’s appealing for – and my urge to switch over and avoid her smug mug.
*abruptly stops whining voice with a shovel in the gob*
4. Fag ash mums
Parents (not just mums) who puff away on a ciggy over a baby in a pram or a toddler strapped into a pushchair. I realise smokers are going to attack me for saying this, because it’s an addiction. And I accept that.
But it’s literally tying someone down and forcing a dirty and life-threatening habit down their throat. Blow your smoke in another direction all you like – they’re still breathing it in.
Your kid has to be more important than your fix of nicotine. So slap on a patch until you can smoke a fair distance away from your child – like in another country!
*chops ciggy in two with a swift swing of the shovel*
I’m an easygoing guy – as long as you do exactly what I want
5. Passive aggressives
I’m a very emotional person. Not violent (usually – though I do realise I’m talking about hitting people with a shovel here!) but I do wear my heart on my sleeve and let people know how I’m feeling.
A couple of people close to me are the opposite. They think because they don’t shout, because they’d never even punch a pillow in frustration, they’ve got the moral high ground when it comes to arguments.
But they’re passive aggressives. They control situations quietly – one is an outright bully.
Passive aggressives aren’t honest. They hide behind a façade of calm and pretend to be laid back. They don’t lose their cool, but menace and control others in an unseen way. And in many ways, they don’t even see it themselves.
*smacks hard in the face as they look all innocent and tell me to “calm downâ€*
So there you go.
Forget meditation. Hitting someone in the face with a metaphorical shovel is brilliant for clearing your head.
Who would you like to take a swing at?
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